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01/20/2014

The No. 1 murderer of New Year's resolutions

IMG_3321This hastily taken photo is of the carnage that recently took place after a visit to a local grocery store. In less than 70 minutes, they were all gone. That's 12 cookies in roughly one hour. Stupid dog. Not quite sure how they made it that long, but all of those calories were burned off after a walk to the mailbox.

Every January 1 we write down our goals for this new year, and at the top of every single list is an attainable to-do relating to weight and fitness. Less than two weeks later, we are all mostly screwed; the enemy strategically take its place at the front of a grocery store, waiting to slaughter our dreams, and increase our weight.

Funny how in December we can walk right by the people ringing the bell for Salvation Army, yet only three weeks later will stop everything in the exact same spot to buy boxes of cookies at $4 per box. Whereas when you tell the dude ringing the bell "I'll get you on the way out" you actually mean it when you tell the Girl Scouts.

The only thing better would be if a few Girl Scouts had the courage to set up a table in front of a 24 Hour Fitness. Or a Weight Watcher's office.

No one has done more damage to New Year's resolutions than The Girl Scouts of America. In an effort to assign blame on anybody but the mirror, it's time to take down the young girls slinging legalized crack all across America.

Thin mints.
Samoas (awful).
Trefoils.
Lemonades.
Dos-si-does.
And proof to the most passionate Atheist there is a God - Peanut Butter Patties.

ImagesThese little girls are now more clever than ever, many of them accept credit cards. There are more options now - something called a "Thank U Berry Much" and "Chocolate Chip Shortbread". Before long, it's going to be a pawn shop; accepting your heirloom watch for three boxes of Thin Mints.

Since most of us were raised on Girl Scout Cookies, and their annual appearance is greatly anticipated, there is no way to turn them down. To say no to group of little girls trying to raise money to fund for ... something ... is not right.

Of course, they could be funding Dian Fossey's dream of eradicating all of the gorillas from this planet and we wouldn't care. These are Girl Scout Cookies.

Every bite is a time warp back to better days - when Ronald Reagan was winning the Cold War by himself, the Dallas Cowboys actually went to the playoffs, and when we were thinner.

Twitter @MacEngelProf
tengel@star-telegram.com
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